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Before It's Too Late

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be reading your obituary so soon. I stared at it for the longest time with my mouth open, not believing what I was reading. Tears rolled down my face, beginning as a trickle and ending with a waterfall! Deb, I never got to say the things I wanted to say. I know I told you I believed in you when that shit-storm happened at the school. I wrote you that long letter. You called me and we had a very nice talk! I was so happy you trusted me and knew I was someone you could talk to.  I wanted you to meet my daughter, Jordan. She's my WORLD and I wanted you to see me accomplish something great. You would be so happy to know that I have taken my last class in college to get my teaching degree. I have the Praxis exams and student teaching.... But I did it Deb! I did it. YOU knew I could and would. You always believed in me and knew I was not just lazy and I WAS putting in all my effort! I loved you so dearly for that! Not so sure anyone
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How Long?

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               Every day, they found something to say. Every day, she wanted to hide. Every day, she wanted to run, hide. Four girls came at her, assaulted her, verbally, day in and day out.           How much can a person take? Embarrassment. Feelings hurt. Everyone laughs. Stay home. She cannot go anymore. Shame. Truth? Starts feeling bad about herself. She wants to sleep. Wants to stay in bed. No more sports. Grades gone to Hell. Wont get out of bed. Its safer there! Anxiety medication, counselor, psychiatrist, stomach medication... Late every day IF she goes at all. So many days missed. How long does she have to be punished? She cries. She says she wants to die because it will never stop. Her mothers heart breaks. She cannot make it stop. She is ready to go to jail over this! WHEN DOES IT STOP?
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Lost

All I want is for someone to hug me, hold me and tell me I am loved....
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Nothing....

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     There has been so much going on lately in my small little world that I do not even know where to begin!  A week and a half ago, our community lost a teacher, who happened to be someone I have known for quite a few years. He was 37 years old. Had a heart attack and died. No reason. He wasn't unhealthy. Then, on the same day, our community lost a schoolmate. She was my age, 41. No one is quite sure why. The rumor is it was cancer but we are all still a little curious. A few days before that, our neighboring community lost a woman around my age. All that is known is she was in her boyfriend's truck and she died.      Death SUCKS but when it is of someone your age or younger, when you are still quite young, it really sucks. Then, not being able to explain WHY is even harder. I have a cat who I have had for the past 17 1/2 years. She was with me the day I tried to end it all. I had just gotten her and she was only a few months old. I felt as though I had no one but after I
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Zones of Comfort

      Everyone has some sort of comfort zone - a place where they can be safe, be who they want to be. Venture out of that comfort zone....what does it mean?        I would describe my zone as a quiet, simple, yet lonely little place.  I have a couple of friends who I talk to but having intimate, one on one conversations make me a little uncomfy.  I do not like going to public places (namely stores or events) by myself.  I am not real big on public places.  I'm still delving into the WHY I don't.      I'm really having a hard time coming out of my comfort zone.  I have always been a little shy, especially when it comes to talking with people one on one.  I am so self conscience and scared of being judged that I cannot seem to be comfortable with people I want to be comfortable with.  However, it feels like with time, I get more shy.      A lack of self confidence is what I have.  Why can't I just not care?  Why can't I just say what I want to say?  I have neve
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Do You Believe?

     I have always wanted to see a ghost. I have watched many, many movies pertaining to this subject.  I have watched many documentaries about different places that are "haunted".  And then....I saw one.      My husband's parents lived in an 1800's house that his great grandfather built.  It was late one night after I had my daughter. We moved in because my father-in-law had Parkinson's Disease so we had the upstairs rooms that we used as a sort of apartment.  I had gone downstairs late one night to get a drink. As I approached the stairs to go back to bed, out of the corner of my eye, I saw something white.  I turned, slowly and extremely apprehensively.  There, in the archway of the door to the laundry room stood a woman, in "period clothing", hat, gloves and gown.        As much as I had always wanted to see a ghost, this truly scared the hell out of me!  I knew it wouldn't hurt me but at that moment, I FLEW up over the stairs, shut the door
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Material Things

     I haven't written a blog in a couple of months but in this time I have been doing a lot of learning. On May 22nd, I lost my grandfather. He was the only grandfather I knew. He was camping, which is his number one passion these days. This is how I am choosing to remember him.      From the time I was 6 months old, my parents would go camping every single year, the same week and to our favorite State Park. It is on a beautiful, spring-fed lake, where the loons are out first thing in the morning to wake you, along with the boats, headed out to get an early morning catch. It's where every kid in the park gets to know each other and all play together from morning to night. Where at 4pm. was "happy hour" (but not a big drunk), after dinner the adults walk the circle of the park & where even after dark, the kids are still together and there is ONE big campfire, everyone who wants to come. Bring with chair or we probably have one for ya. Same stories are told ye
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