Hard Road

     Fifth grade, I was 11 years old.  I had some close friends and we always played together.  Where I went to school, the fifth and sixth grade classes were mixed together.  However, there are always those kids in the class who everyone stays away from because they are not everyone's friend, let alone, don't have more friends than their little "gang". 

     I remember it so vividly.  These girls were like something out of a movie. Someone walks by they don't like, they snarl or giggle out very loud to draw attention.  I was not a small kid.  I was a "fat kid" and one that was very easily picked on because I would not speak up or tell.  I was the kid on the playground that got the bullying and then slunk off to the corner of the playground to wait for recess to be over.

     These girls never let up either.  I figured if these girls were picking on me, they were leaving others alone.  So, I let it go on.  (much like another situation in my childhood)  During this time, my sister, who is four years younger, was being bullied.  I went after that girl.  I even got into a physical fight with her.  Long story short there, she jumped on my back and I threw her off. 

      When I got to junior high, it was a whole new ballgame!  I came from an island of 500 people where there were just a few kids and our ages were all spread out.  My bus ride began at 6:45am. and lasted 45 minutes in the morning.  In the afternoon, school got out at 1:50pm. but since there were only a few kids, the bus picked junior high, high school and elementary school before heading to the island.  I didn't even see home until 3:30pm. 

     There were a few girls on this bus that were just high class, rich, know it all girls.  They would pick on anyone younger, especially one that weighted a little too much.  Their parents were doctors and lawyers and my parents were lowly police officers. I cannot tell you how many times the whole bus was laughing...at me.  One of the more "devious" boys was paid to kiss me to see what I would do.  Needless to say, he did get punched in the face but I was still the butt of the joke.  I could never shrink low enough in my seat or sit far enough away from them.

     How would you like it when "friends" you had in elementary school get to junior high, start to hang with other people, join other cliques, and come up with a nickname that sticks with you for the entire year.  Yes, seventh grade was not kind to me either.  As I said before, I was not skinny and yes, I was overweight.  However, my legs never really caught up with my stomach so one of the girls decided my body shape was a drumstick - like a chicken leg.  So, my nickname became "drumstick" and my seventh grade yearbook is filled with the nickname "drumstick".    

     One day, one of the boys was dared by one of the "mean girls" to literally dump an entire bottle of whiteout in my hair.  YUP. A whole bottle of whiteout dumped right down the back of my head.  The bus driver never knew what happened, except that they were making a lot of noise and laughing for some reason....until I got off the bus.  I was humiliated beyond everything.

     By the time I finished junior high, I was so depressed and my self-image was so poor, I felt like I didn't deserve the air I breathe.  My sophomore year was more of the same.  Walking down the hall and having people make comments or laugh, except I did have some good stable friends at this point whom stuck up for me. 

     Junior year in high school I became very sick and was in and out of hospitals, which caused me to miss A LOT of school.  I was never so depressed in my life.  I even became suicidal at one point.  I never acted on that feeling until a few years later. 

     It wasn't until after school that I began defending myself and standing up for myself.  I still didn't feel good about myself but at this point, I didn't really care what people thought and I was going to say what I wanted. 

     My daughter has run into some bullying issues and she is now in fifth grade.  It has gone on for a couple of years.  I have talked to her a little about my experiences, how she is so much better than that and given her the chance to take care of the matter.  I have had to take it to the principal once but now there are laws in place and the schools MUST do something. 

     I do not know how kids survived back when I was young with the bullying but we did.  I guess we were more thick-skinned than we thought.  It does hurt the self-image and your self esteem will dissipate.  At least now, parents, teachers and community members do something about it.  It isn't right.  We all live here on this Earth and we all deserve a chance to feel good about ourselves and we deserve to love ourselves.  People just do not stop to think how their words effect other people.

     Sticks and stone may break bones, but names will always hurt me....



~~alleedreams~~