Nothing To Say

     Depression can be so devastating.  Defined by the dictionary, depression means a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason.   However, this word means so much more than just that simple definition.          I have suffered with depression for quite some time now.  I remember coming home from school, sick with migraines and I was saddened but I do not remember being depressed.  I was actually diagnosed in 1992 with depression.  Instead of getting to the root of the problem,  it was just easier to the doctors to prescribe medication and I was on my way.     Some people believe depression is just when someone is sad.  WRONG!  Depression goes way beyond sadness.  It's not just a "mood" and it isn't just a "bad day".  What people d...

       Lately, I have been wishing I had someone to just be able to call up and say "I need to chat.  Not about anything.  Just need to hear someone else's voice."  I wish I could just call up a friend and say "hey, come have coffee with me.  I just want to hang out for a bit."  Unfortunately, I do not have a vehicle so I guess what I am feeling is trapped.      Picture yourself in a box, big enough for you, have someone duct tape it shut.  THIS is how I am feeling.  I feel like a bird in a cage who never gets let out so I can stretch my wings.  A dog who really needs to get out of the cage he's been in all night.          Trapped is such a versatile word!  You can be trapped in so many different ways.  Trapped in a relationship, trapped in a job, a friendship.   Maybe you are in a relationship that is toxic and you really need to g...

     Fifth grade, I was 11 years old.  I had some close friends and we always played together.  Where I went to school, the fifth and sixth grade classes were mixed together.  However, there are always those kids in the class who everyone stays away from because they are not everyone's friend, let alone, don't have more friends than their little "gang".       I remember it so vividly.  These girls were like something out of a movie. Someone walks by they don't like, they snarl or giggle out very loud to draw attention.  I was not a small kid.  I was a "fat kid" and one that was very easily picked on because I would not speak up or tell.  I was the kid on the playground that got the bullying and then slunk off to the corner of the playground to wait for recess to be over.      These girls never let up either.  I figured if these girls were picking on me, they were l...

     All my life, I have been the one that has always pleased everyone else.  I am the one who doesn't do things for myself, I do for everyone else.  I am a peacemaker.  I try to keep the peace for everyone else.  I do not come first.  I come last.  I am the one everyone calls when something needs to be done or someone needs a ride or someone needs this or needs that.      How many times have you done something that was TRULY for yourself?  Extremely rare for me.  I have learned this is one reason my decision making is not my own.  What I mean by that is, I have to check and make sure I am doing the right thing before I actually do it.  Go with your gut?  Never.  I go by what everyone else tells me to do.      Now, I am beginning to see that I am my own person and I need to please myself and do things for myself.  First and foremost, I need to love myself....

    I spoke before, in a previous post, about working with a Health and Wellness Coach.  The things she was able to teach me and share with me; amazing.  Truly.  I recommend, at some point in your life, if you have never worked with one, do it!  You could be struggling with life goals, self image, personal quests, eating right, healthier etc.       One thing I learned from her was "future pacing".  Future Pacing is a form of mental imagery (I call it belief) that describes what you want, as though you already have it.  It causes your brain to believe something has already happened.  For example, I have no vehicle at the moment.  Every day I wake and then again throughout the day, I say to myself, (very excited) "I am so happy I have a vehicle to go where I need to go".  By saying this and saying it like it has already happened and I am very happy about it, my brain believes I already...

           Four years ago I contacted someone to inquire about a possible rental.  The manager, Samantha, gave me the information I was looking for.  We began emailing each other talking about the place she worked.  This was the beginning of what would become a really good friendship.      Two years after that first email, Sam informed me that she had breast cancer.  Now Sam and I are casual friends, who stay in touch often through email and get together once in a while to catch up.  It wasn't like we called each other all the time.  When she told me, my heart sank so hard and so far!  I felt like my friend was telling me she was going to die tomorrow and she was saying goodbye.       Sam kept me in the loop as to what treatments she was having and how she was feeling and we did see each other and catch up.  I never saw her at her worst.  She ...

      I have had migraines for as long as I can remember.  I would get off the bus from school at the age of 6, crying and vomiting and a horrible pain in my head.  My parents took me to a Neurologist and I was diagnosed with migraines.      Later on, in high school, they effected me to a serious degree.  My junior year, I missed 55 1/2 days of school.  I had ONE migraine for 8 1/2 months.  It was day in and day out with nothing but constant pain.  Some days I was able to (barely) make it through a day of school.  Other days, I would leave or not even go due to the sensitivity of my eyes, vomiting, upset stomach and not wanting to move because it hurt so badly.      **In case you are wondering, yes, I did fail my English class (of all classes, it was my favorite).  I had to take night school the first semester of my senior year if I wanted to graduate with my ...