Nothing To Say

      Everyone has some sort of comfort zone - a place where they can be safe, be who they want to be. Venture out of that comfort zone....what does it mean?        I would describe my zone as a quiet, simple, yet lonely little place.  I have a couple of friends who I talk to but having intimate, one on one conversations make me a little uncomfy.  I do not like going to public places (namely stores or events) by myself.  I am not real big on public places.  I'm still delving into the WHY I don't.      I'm really having a hard time coming out of my comfort zone.  I have always been a little shy, especially when it comes to talking with people one on one.  I am so self conscience and scared of being judged that I cannot seem to be comfortable with people I want to be comfortable with.  However, it feels like with time, I get more shy.      A lack of self confidence is what I have.  Why can't I just not care?  Why can't I just say what I want to say?  I have neve

     I have always wanted to see a ghost. I have watched many, many movies pertaining to this subject.  I have watched many documentaries about different places that are "haunted".  And then....I saw one.      My husband's parents lived in an 1800's house that his great grandfather built.  It was late one night after I had my daughter. We moved in because my father-in-law had Parkinson's Disease so we had the upstairs rooms that we used as a sort of apartment.  I had gone downstairs late one night to get a drink. As I approached the stairs to go back to bed, out of the corner of my eye, I saw something white.  I turned, slowly and extremely apprehensively.  There, in the archway of the door to the laundry room stood a woman, in "period clothing", hat, gloves and gown.        As much as I had always wanted to see a ghost, this truly scared the hell out of me!  I knew it wouldn't hurt me but at that moment, I FLEW up over the stairs, shut the door

     I haven't written a blog in a couple of months but in this time I have been doing a lot of learning. On May 22nd, I lost my grandfather. He was the only grandfather I knew. He was camping, which is his number one passion these days. This is how I am choosing to remember him.      From the time I was 6 months old, my parents would go camping every single year, the same week and to our favorite State Park. It is on a beautiful, spring-fed lake, where the loons are out first thing in the morning to wake you, along with the boats, headed out to get an early morning catch. It's where every kid in the park gets to know each other and all play together from morning to night. Where at 4pm. was "happy hour" (but not a big drunk), after dinner the adults walk the circle of the park & where even after dark, the kids are still together and there is ONE big campfire, everyone who wants to come. Bring with chair or we probably have one for ya. Same stories are told ye

     Depression can be so devastating.  Defined by the dictionary, depression means a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason.   However, this word means so much more than just that simple definition.          I have suffered with depression for quite some time now.  I remember coming home from school, sick with migraines and I was saddened but I do not remember being depressed.  I was actually diagnosed in 1992 with depression.  Instead of getting to the root of the problem,  it was just easier to the doctors to prescribe medication and I was on my way.     Some people believe depression is just when someone is sad.  WRONG!  Depression goes way beyond sadness.  It's not just a "mood" and it isn't just a "bad day".  What people do not experience, they cannot understand just how much this effects a person and everyone around them

       Lately, I have been wishing I had someone to just be able to call up and say "I need to chat.  Not about anything.  Just need to hear someone else's voice."  I wish I could just call up a friend and say "hey, come have coffee with me.  I just want to hang out for a bit."  Unfortunately, I do not have a vehicle so I guess what I am feeling is trapped.      Picture yourself in a box, big enough for you, have someone duct tape it shut.  THIS is how I am feeling.  I feel like a bird in a cage who never gets let out so I can stretch my wings.  A dog who really needs to get out of the cage he's been in all night.          Trapped is such a versatile word!  You can be trapped in so many different ways.  Trapped in a relationship, trapped in a job, a friendship.   Maybe you are in a relationship that is toxic and you really need to get out of but feel you cannot or that you have no options.  Maybe you are at a job that you must keep for financial

     Fifth grade, I was 11 years old.  I had some close friends and we always played together.  Where I went to school, the fifth and sixth grade classes were mixed together.  However, there are always those kids in the class who everyone stays away from because they are not everyone's friend, let alone, don't have more friends than their little "gang".       I remember it so vividly.  These girls were like something out of a movie. Someone walks by they don't like, they snarl or giggle out very loud to draw attention.  I was not a small kid.  I was a "fat kid" and one that was very easily picked on because I would not speak up or tell.  I was the kid on the playground that got the bullying and then slunk off to the corner of the playground to wait for recess to be over.      These girls never let up either.  I figured if these girls were picking on me, they were leaving others alone.  So, I let it go on.  (much like another situation in my chil

     All my life, I have been the one that has always pleased everyone else.  I am the one who doesn't do things for myself, I do for everyone else.  I am a peacemaker.  I try to keep the peace for everyone else.  I do not come first.  I come last.  I am the one everyone calls when something needs to be done or someone needs a ride or someone needs this or needs that.      How many times have you done something that was TRULY for yourself?  Extremely rare for me.  I have learned this is one reason my decision making is not my own.  What I mean by that is, I have to check and make sure I am doing the right thing before I actually do it.  Go with your gut?  Never.  I go by what everyone else tells me to do.      Now, I am beginning to see that I am my own person and I need to please myself and do things for myself.  First and foremost, I need to love myself.  I have always felt that I was not worth anything unless someone needed something from me.  If I could do for others, I

    I spoke before, in a previous post, about working with a Health and Wellness Coach.  The things she was able to teach me and share with me; amazing.  Truly.  I recommend, at some point in your life, if you have never worked with one, do it!  You could be struggling with life goals, self image, personal quests, eating right, healthier etc.       One thing I learned from her was "future pacing".  Future Pacing is a form of mental imagery (I call it belief) that describes what you want, as though you already have it.  It causes your brain to believe something has already happened.  For example, I have no vehicle at the moment.  Every day I wake and then again throughout the day, I say to myself, (very excited) "I am so happy I have a vehicle to go where I need to go".  By saying this and saying it like it has already happened and I am very happy about it, my brain believes I already have a vehicle.  This puts what I want out to the universe.      This future

           Four years ago I contacted someone to inquire about a possible rental.  The manager, Samantha, gave me the information I was looking for.  We began emailing each other talking about the place she worked.  This was the beginning of what would become a really good friendship.      Two years after that first email, Sam informed me that she had breast cancer.  Now Sam and I are casual friends, who stay in touch often through email and get together once in a while to catch up.  It wasn't like we called each other all the time.  When she told me, my heart sank so hard and so far!  I felt like my friend was telling me she was going to die tomorrow and she was saying goodbye.       Sam kept me in the loop as to what treatments she was having and how she was feeling and we did see each other and catch up.  I never saw her at her worst.  She would tell me she was sick, or a mass of tears or she was angry as hell at the world but never once did I see it.  I never went to

      I have had migraines for as long as I can remember.  I would get off the bus from school at the age of 6, crying and vomiting and a horrible pain in my head.  My parents took me to a Neurologist and I was diagnosed with migraines.      Later on, in high school, they effected me to a serious degree.  My junior year, I missed 55 1/2 days of school.  I had ONE migraine for 8 1/2 months.  It was day in and day out with nothing but constant pain.  Some days I was able to (barely) make it through a day of school.  Other days, I would leave or not even go due to the sensitivity of my eyes, vomiting, upset stomach and not wanting to move because it hurt so badly.      **In case you are wondering, yes, I did fail my English class (of all classes, it was my favorite).  I had to take night school the first semester of my senior year if I wanted to graduate with my class, on time.**      I was taken to a neurologist and was put through every single test you could think of.  I

          I am going to keep MY posts on this blog as positive and uplifting as I possibly can.  This is something very new to me.  The glass has always been half empty and would never be filled again, as far as I was concerned.  So, having said that, I want to blog a little about loneliness.  Sad subject?  Doesn't have to be...          I have been more or less a single mom for the past 3-ish years to an 11 year old daughter.  I have very few friends that I call upon to talk with when I am feeling down, angry or even lonely.  Of course, I grew up holding it all in and not discussing things with others.  So, having someone to talk to is alien to me.  I have found that I can immerse myself into a good book or grab my MP3 player and listen to some music - though not completely satisfying.          Lastly, I have always turned to writing.  Whether its in my journal, or just an email to someone or even, (now) my blogging.  I have always been one to hold in my feelings and to

          Some people will do things for you in your life, that truly mean so much to you, yet saying "thank-you" just doesn't seem like enough!  I want that person/people to feel just how much it meant to me.       Saying thank-you seems like something people say anytime.  Someone sneezes and you say "bless you" and they say thank-you.  Someone drops something and you pick it up, they say thank-you.  You get stuck in a snow bank and someone comes along to get you out, you say thank-you.      What do you say when someone does something that makes a HUGE difference in your life?  Thank-you just seems too usual.  Too ordinary.  Too easy.  I don't mean this person bought you something or gave you something....      I have a friend who is a Health and Wellness Coach.  I have been having some rough times the last couple of years.  We were talking one night about a mutual activity we do and somehow we ended up on the topic of how rough things are for me ri

          A teacher I had in elementary school as our resident, once a week music teacher and then she moved on to the junior high as the band instructor, as I went to the junior high, played in band with her and have continued to stay in touch with, as well as became a co-worker is retiring this year after 34 years teaching.  She is only 54 years young, however, she began teaching right out of college.      This woman has received more awards for her bands in state competitions than any other teacher.  Every single person that has come in contact with her has just loved her GREAT sense of humor!     "K", as I have affectionately called her for some time, is one of those teachers that the students wanted to spend "free periods" with or go visit after school.  She is someone who could crack a joke just to make you smile and she is one of those teachers that if something was bugging ya, you could go talk to her.       Before every concert, as we sat the

                 Have you ever thought about photographs?  Have you ever looked at a picture and wondered what the photographer was trying to capture?  Ever looked at a photo and had it really speak to you?      I LOVE photography.  Mainly, I LOVE taking nature photos (even though I did say earlier in another post, I try to capture people's eyes).  It could be butterflies, birds, trees, flowers or my ALL TIME fav- the beach.      When I take a picture in nature, I try to capture exactly what I see and how it makes me feel.  For example, if I photograph a butterfly, I try to capture the beauty, the amazement of it.  I want the person looking at my photo to SEE exactly what I saw.  I want the person that sees my photo to FEEL exactly what I felt.  What is the point of taking a picture, if its just a picture?  I am trying to capture the beauty of nature.  Think of all the things in nature.  Now think of how absolutely amazing it all is.  THAT is what I am trying to capture whe

          I was looking through a friends photos one day.  She is a really good photographer - especially capturing a real meaning to the photo.  I told her that there was no need to thank me for the compliments and I told her that I only said what the photos told me.  If a photo doesn't say something, what is the point of taking it?  In particular, I have always told her that I believe that a person's eyes tell me about what the person is feeling and that the eyes of a person are the windows to their soul.  Well, she decided that I should start a blog.       When my daughter was born, 6 weeks early, she had the most BLUE eyes anyone had ever seen!  The nurses in the NICU and other parents said they had never seen such beautiful eyes.  Being a little bias of course, I thought so too.  However, her eyes were a blue, like the ocean except, MORE blue and crystal like!          Though my daughter's eyes are no longer that absolute crystal BLUE, she has eyes that are t

     Of having a cabin at the beach, laying there by day, listening to the waves, seagulls screeches      Of smelling the salty air, the beach roses      Of feeling the sand, warm, comforting as it cradles my body, fitting every curve of my body, feeling a calm, warm air blow gently over me.      Of watching porpoises playfully jumping in and out of the waves.      Of watching sunrises and sunsets.  The moon rising, glistening on the water.      Of lying in the cool sand in the evening next to a warm fire, hearing the crackling and smelling that little bit of wood smoke.      Of staring up at the stars and dreaming of places far away, thinking of times ago.      Of hearing peace and quiet.....      What do you dream? ~~alleedreams~~